Vestigia Terrent

John Lovell and Harry Brown

2010-09-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

We can see them everywhere: walking down the street, pushing their shopping cart in a grocery store or driving their old cars. They are always quiet, clean and respectful, minding their own business. Almost feels like they walk on their tip toes through life to avoid disturbing the others.
Their clothes are often out of fashion and in the summer large sunglasses makes them look like factory workers. But they have enough life experience and wisdom to care less about fashion and more about cleanliness and comfort.
They look like they are or can be easy targets and my heart cringe knowing that many of them live in fear of being abused or hurt just because they can not defend themselves or run fast enough.
But not all are helpless. There are many army veterans with real combat experience whom are not afraid of youngsters suffering from the little man syndrome.

Here we have two names: John Lovell and Harry Brown. One real and the other one a fictional character in a movie, played by Michael Caine.

John Lovell is a 71 years old retired Marine having his dinner at a late hour in a Subway in Florida. Two young kids armed and masked robbed the restaurant and obtained Mr. Lovell's wallet. After they got all the money, they attempted to push him in the bathroom. Only at this point Mr. Lovell pulled his handgun and open fire. Needless to say that two kids with big guns, small brains and with too many bad movies in their heads are no match for a retired Marine. One kid died shot in his head and chest and the other one survived with chest wounds.
The good guy won the battle but this is no reason for celebration. Whoever was ever involved in a combat knows that's no happy day when you are forced to pull the trigger. Mr. Lovell could kill them both in first ten seconds after they showed up in the restaurant if he wanted. Yet, he gave them his wallet hoping they will take the money and leave. Unfortunately they didn't.

Harry Brown, a fictional character played by Michael Caine is a retired Royal Marine living alone in a small apartment in a neighborhood where everyone is afraid of the gang. He witnesses several times the abuse, violence and the impotency of Police. With no family and no friends anymore he doesn't have anything to loose, and decide to take action.

Sun Tzu said almost three thousand years ago: "Never underestimate your opponent". Obviously these kids with big guns never heard of a book called "The art of war" and the only poetry they know of is in hip hop "music".

Look around you at these old men. We have no idea what they went through in their life, and regardless of their past - simple citizens or retired Marines, they deserve our respect.
And now look above at Michael Caine's picture. Would you like to see an old man looking at you from that angle? Well, then if you don't have what it takes to respect the elders, at least out of fear, don't mess with the old guys!!

Baking Cookies - Concept Shift

2010-06-08T19:44:00.000-07:00

We are the children over forty five years old and this country, for us, has changed. We are not able to live out our dreams of buying the things we have wanted all our lives. The motorcycles, boats, summer homes, and white shoes. We will not work until retirement for a company that gives us health insurance and a retirement plan. The kids will not be gone, and in some cases, the kids and their family will return home for an indefinite time. I have a question that has followed me most of my life: Why does it always seem that when I get ready for my portion of the American dream, it gets snatched away. (I'm going to write about this in a separate post.)

The way it looks now is that this 45 yr old cohort who built up debt with two incomes will have to find a way to pay it off with one income. The 45 cohort will become the classic one-income family (again). And this new over 45 one income family is becoming the new Concept Shift.

Please no Paradigm shifts here. This needs to be in the language of the people.

The question and the task is how to move from a two income family to an one income family with the accumulated debt from two incomes. In updates to this posting I will look at:

Future employment trends

Over 50yr old future employment outlooks

Home management

Debt reconstruction

Bankruptcy: Chapter 13

Johnnie Coolrock, John D. Painter and John Brazas

2010-03-25T19:59:00.001-07:00

Today I went to the funeral.
Now, looking back I am sorry I didn't know John better, as he was truly a wonderful man. I remember when I met him for the first time, about seven years ago. We, (me and my wife-to-be) came to visit John and his wife Julia and to house-hunt in their little suburb. A few years later we bought our own house just two blocks from John's and Julia’s. Our wives work together, and we would meet once in a while to chat or while we were riding our bicycles by their house.
The news of his sickness was a shock, and we all knew it wouldn’t be long before the end, but we prayed and hoped we were all wrong.
Today at the funeral house I saw pictures of John.
In his 20's and 30's he was everything any young man could ask for. Extremely handsome, fairly successful playing and composing his music in California, hanging out and partying with Clint Eastwood, Cher, and other stars of the moment. He missed by one inch being signed by a big label, and then eventually decided to come back to Chicago where he grew up.
His stage name was Johnnie Coolrock, and even now you can find his vinyl albums for sale on Ebay as collectibles.
Like any smart man, he always had a backup job. He was a painter and with his cocky sense of humor, he had a kind of "stage name" for his job: John D. Painter. Today I learned that he painted the houses of a lot of celebrities in Hollywood, and I remember he painted the trim of our house too. From this point of view, we are in a very select company.
Looking trough John's pictures at the funeral home, I saw him as child, young man, rebel teenager, father, husband...and in his later years he loved fishing. I saw pictures of him holding a fish with a large smile on his face. And I was thinking how life takes us up and down and changes us, and our perspectives, over time. A man who once upon a time was aspiring to the heights of success and worked hard to achieve it, now is happy just sitting on the ground with a fishing rod in his hand in the middle of nowhere, or playing with his young son. And I can't stop myself from asking: how do you measure success? In the amount of money you make with big mansions and fancy cars? Or perhaps happiness has nothing to do with success and money?
If a man like John found happiness in little things like fishing we all have to consider if it is really worth running around like crazy trying to accumulate that "more”…
Maybe others won't think of John's life in this way, but for me, he was an accomplished man. He had a full life, a wonderful wife and kids. He managed to touch many souls with his music and lyrics and towards the (way too early) end he was a happy man.
When I got home today, I stopped at the grocery store and got a bottle of whiskey. My wife was wondering why I got it... "you’re drinking whiskey?"...I had only one answer: Today I do.

Rest in peace Johnnie Coolrock, John D. Painter and John Brazas.

WHY ???

2010-02-26T06:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get into this stupid disposition to ask myself (and try to find an answer) WHY?

Why the heck are we here on this forgotten piece of dirt floating in the Universe? What's the point with all this around us and more to the point .. with us? We are always looking for the goals and make plans: do your homework because you HAVE to for school, and it will come in handy later in life, go to work, pay the mortgage, ...... what's the big final of all finals? just death and the big nothingness. Whatever we do, no matter how good, bad or ugly, we all are going to end the same way: dead. And even worst, we start to decompose and fall apart long before we die.

The most beautiful woman on Earth: Brigitte Bardot. Millions of women wanted to be like her, millions of men would have done anything to be with her. Now nobody wants to be around her anymore. Her smell is a combination of old age and dogs, her saggy skin and misshaped body makes people turn their heads away and is only a reminder of what's coming: death.

I feel like we are a stupid experiment of a sadistic kid. Religion is suppose to give us a little hope, but for me that sounds like a big pile of BS.
What are we, each individual for the whole race? nothing. No matter how important we are, in a number of years nobody will remember us anymore. And at a larger scale, what the heck are we doing here and what's the goal of human race anyway? Our planet is so small in this Universe (if what we know about the Universe is true that is .. ) that whatever we do as a race, sooner or later the whole planet will die and everything will disappear.

Some optimistic people will say that is so much beauty around us and so much to live for. I believe that whatever gives us a little joy was meant to only distract us from the reality that everything is in vain.

Give people a little happiness and they will believe that's actually life.
Reality check: Life is just a temporary big BS. Death and nothingness is the answer at everything in the end.

Why I liked "Avatar"

2010-02-15T06:39:00.000-08:00

The Avatar movie stirred so many comments and reactions that probably this post will be lost in the unknown labyrinth of terabytes within Google's servers. But I will write it anyway. I believe I have a different approach, and; I write it just because this is what I think and where I stand.
There's nothing new in this movie besides the special effects. The whole idea is a rip-off of the old Indian stories (written or filmed): a White man starts to dress, speak and behave like the local tribe and ends up feeling like them and defending them against his own kind. For those who are old enough to remember Karl May, and the best example with his famous characters: Winnetou, the wise Apache chief and Old Shatterhand, his White blood brother.

Like Avatar, these are old themes. Old stories that still had meaning for the modern listener. We humans have always liked to hear stories. That's why we crowded around the elders' heart fires; the elders were, in the old times, the ones who told some interesting tales around the fire. They had a longer life, more experience and more imagination to help the listeners see the dreams about things that happen a long time ago on a land far away. The first movies were nothing more than those old tales made available for masses through technology.
And the beauty of these old movies are that they almost always showed you someone you could identify with. (How many kids signed up for Army because of John Wayne or Rambo?). You knew almost right away who the good guys were, and so many times we watched as they scarified themselves for a good cause. Being honest and true was more important than anything else. That was one of the reasons we are so avid for those stories, we always looked for heroes. Because we liked to dream about being like them. Saving the world or even the girl, returning the abducted scared child, or returning a lost wallet. That made us a small scale hero, and made us feel good about what you did.
This is whats so wonderful in all those old movies. They gave you hope. Hope for a better world or even a better neighborhood. In this respect, the European movies of the same "vintage" were so different. Very dark, and full of pain and misery. But the times were different for the Europeans too. Whole cities were ravaged and destroyed by a very long war on their own land, millions of people perished and the survivors struggled with rebuilding their societies. This trend of idealistic movies, so full of hope started to fade out in the 80's when slowly the whole "modern chivalry" idea started to fade.
Money was all that mattered. The movies then began to be stories of a lot of meaningless crimes without remorse, selfishness and lack of hope. If "Casablanca" were made today, it would end with Rick screwing all his contacts and betraying them to the police, and belittling the piano player (just for the heck of it), taking all money and the girl and flying off to South America where nobody would find him. This is why Avatar is so different from last years films. This film gives you hope. Just think about the Oscar movies of few years ago - "No Country for Old Men'" or "There will be blood".
There is no one in these highly awarded movies that you would want to identify with. Not because they died or lose everything, but because their characters are really crappy.
Avatar, for me, is a really good movie, good quality special effects, well acted and directed, and above all; finally, the good guys and the right cause won the battle. A movie of hope.

You Can't Do This Alone

2010-02-10T11:44:00.000-08:00

For the men who are house-husbands, male home makers, or just a sensitive male who are trying to sustain a relationship with a wife or significant other; you have to know that you can't do it by yourself. You need another guy to bounce all of your hesitations and thoughts off. You need a "marriage-thought-partner". Better known as your MTP.

In the past it would have been the minister of your church. Somehow, in most instances, we have outgrown this and in our current society people with enough disposable income see a shrink. The bar or neighborhood lounge has always been a refuge the the lonely or broken hearted but I don't think it would work well for sensitive men trying to stay in a relationship. Families; I think this should have been the first alternative but I don't know of too many families where men share these thoughts man-to-man.
- The priest or minister. Yes, this is traditionally a very respectable person who knows your family, and can give you a good advice. What if you don't believe in God and not going to the church?
- The shrink. We both have always felt really weird just thinking about this idea. We are paying someone to be our friend. Let's be honest, first few (or more) visits you can't really talk much on that couch (if you have enough courage to lay down that is ... ), because you feel like you don't really know the doctor. The office is usually kind of cozy and a little artificial; and you're really only going start to unleash your tongue when you feel like you're talking with a friend. Yeah, sure! This is no better than the lie, "Honey, when I was with that prostitute I was thinking about you" ... Then maybe you can try to go into ...
- A bar .. Personally we have never liked it. Unless you are going there with your own friends. (Maybe someday you can see on bar windows: BYOF - Bring Your Own Friend). BYOF when you want to find someone to talk with and not end up listening some stranger's stories. BYOF and you won't have to get one more beer ... and then one more ..... until you start to talk even if no one is around, and make an ass of yourself. Not to mention that next day you can't remember a thing, and have a monster headache.
- Family? That might work for someone who has any family around and they are sane enough to listen to you. We both have our families so far away, and we are so estranged of them, this option doesn't count at all. But we are talking about men. Men to men sharing about the thing that worked for them and the tragedies when things didn't work. Sharing brother to brother, cousin to cousin that's a thought for the future.
Then what? We are running out of options, and it begins to feel like you are alone? I know the feeling. And we men tend to feel like we are always right, and our wives are wrong. Well ... this gets us in trouble.
Try to find someone you can talk about your marriage. Someone who has some experience, and who cares. I mean who really cares. Not some drunk in a bar or someone who took a chastity oath and has no clue what married life is beside what he read in the bible. Try to stay away from computer answers, they have made our lives so much easier but also keeps us apart too much. The value of a good friend, can not be matched by anything.
Sometimes, when my best friend tells me "you should do this or that for your wife" ... my first reaction is: "No way!!" ... but somehow I realized he is always right, and so many times just my pride is in the way. Of course my wife knows my personal "Jiminy the Cricket", as he was my best man at my wedding, and sometimes I share with my wife that some ideas were not mine but my MTP's.

Now, when I get into a fight with my better half because of my stupid pride, she is asking me: "What would your MTP say about this matter?". And this drives me crazy ..... for about three seconds, until I understand the point.

We men, or most of us, are stupid in that way. We forget to bring flowers more often, we don't want or don't know how to say "thank you", or "I am sorry" and our ego is getting in the way too often. It doesn't matter who is smarter, or more "macho" or who makes more money; being married is being part of a team and if the team is doing good, you are doing good.
The most important lesson I learned from my marriage-thought-partner", and from life in general, is that in order to be happy, you MUST keep your spouse or your other loved ones happy. A happy man has a happy wife and is surrounded by happy people. Is that simple, and is no way around it. I am not saying this is easy, because is not. But you know what? Is so well worth it.

Baking Cookies

2010-01-29T11:55:00.000-08:00

I've just about finished a day that could be considered a day of Baking Cookies. My ten year old has the day off from school in the middle of the week and it was decided that I would host three ten-year-old girls and a seven year old for the day. I've been in the kitchen from eight this morning; I've made breakfast, snack and I've just finished lunch. It feels good!

I remember, with some guilt, supporting the women's movement as we sloganted against those Cookie baking moms. I grinned when those moms tried to explain how cooking for theirs families made them feel. Laughed when moms said that they were just as relevant to cause as any of us. I just knew that they felt inadequate and were only trying to persuade us radicals that they were relevant also. I need to go back and kiss all of their feet. This is rewarding and feel I've missed out.

Instead of a guy cheering on the women in their movement for "social rights", we should have been in the home securing (the rear guard) it for the family. We won a very dubious victory, in most circles women have as equal chance for social economic advancement as men. But the home and our children have suffered. And men have suffered the most. I don't want to go back to the days when my father worked all the time and then home came the king. It's not that he was indifferent to us kids but he was removed from the day-to-day feeding and caring of the kids. This is much better; in a way I was forced into stay-at-home-dad (dom). Role difinitions are being changed in months istead of the normal gradual year over year pace. Life has had an interesting way of opening up avenues to family and life success that I could have never imagined.

Caring for a family, watching them grow, listening to innocent talk of the tweenies is refreshing. I admit I miss some adult conversation but all things being equal, I'll take the children. It came to me over pizza and hamburgers and being ignored the kids I just fed. They are happy and confident in my home and presence and show no need of parenting. For some deep dark reason it feels wonderful.

Walking on Water in Today's times

2009-12-22T19:57:00.000-08:00

I think one of the most powerful stories from the Bible is when Peter walked on water. Well, my knowledge about Bible doesn't stretch far beyond that story, and for the sake of this post it doesn't matter if I'm a believer or not.
I am at a point in my life where I'm trying to find moral points and learn something from little facts. But walking on water story is really big.
For me at least ....

When I read the Bible I don't understand much. Just a plethora of charades which sometimes make sense, but most of the time, I end up scratching my head questioning my IQ level. Maybe I 'm wrong, or maybe everybody knows this already, but I had a big "aha" moment I finally understood what this walking on the water story is all about.
I can explain the 'Aha' moment by referring to how I learned to ride a bike. How many people do you know or have heard of who cannot ride a bike? Probably none. Well, I was one of those people. And to understand the analogy, you have to know that I came from a country and place where my parents could not afford to buy me a bike. And whoever had one in my neighborhood wasn't too keen on letting other kids to use it. Everybody laughed at me, when I was nine or ten, because I could not ride a bike. My environment and society wasn't very encouraging with kids who failed. I was a kid with very little self confidence. I lost, forever, the hope that I would ever ride a bike. In last thirty years I've had a few chances to be alone with a bike, and I tried to learn to ride. Of course the result reinforced what I already knew: I wasn't "made" for riding a bike. And I was just fine with that....... Until a good friend came along, and he and my wife really pushed me hard to try again.
I had refused for years, I thought that it will take me days of failures until I would be able to have a decent balance. I was surprised that within an hour I was riding and in weeks I was out on my own. The last twenty years has given me, more than once, all kinds of challenges which have drastically improved my self esteem and my image of myself. I approached bike riding with an completely open mind and ..... I WALKED ON WATER !!!
We hear this all the time: be confident, have faith in yourself and you will go very far. But when you're down and you only see people laughing and pointing to you, this faith 'in your self' business sounds like nonsense. Going back to Peter, as long as he REALLY believed he was able to walk on water, he walked on water . When he had doubts, he fell ...... Very simple analogy.

It takes a lot to walk on water. The right people around to encourage and guide you through life is very important. Nurturing and developing self esteem is also essential. I know it is hard to find the balance between self esteem and self delusion. Just look all those kids who come to American Idol with really horrible singing skills and they (and their families - which is even worst) believe they "deserve" to be on stage. This summer I walked on water, and as insignificant as this may be for you, for me it was a big deal. Don't give up, trust in yourself, have around good positive people who really love you (and are not afraid to tell you when you suck) and you will find your way ......

The way we were ......

2009-12-19T11:20:00.000-08:00

I bet almost everyone in the world knows the movie, "The Way We Were" where Robert Redford plays an arrogant idiot and Barbra Streisand the young innocent and idealistic girl. The movie does not make the subject of our post. How many times have we walked down the street and have seen something we dislike and wonder ..... gee how can he do that? Only to remember that we did the very same thing once upon a time.

How many bad decisions have we made?
I'm happy nobody counted mine ...

How many times our words hurt people around us?
I am happy (most of them) forgot .....

How many times our actions hurt people?
I am happy they all are in the past and most of them forgotten ...

How many times we made people cry?
I am happy the tears dried out and these people smiled thousand of times afterward ...

.................................................................................................

How have we changed in last five years? what about in last ten or twenty years?
Did we learned something from our past? Did we kicked out some habits like smoking or drinking? If we did, are we happier now? There's a song called "You Ain't Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin" ...

We all like to believe that we are good people and getting better while we are getting older, because we are learning from the past, and its just normal to be wiser. But how many of us are really getting better? And how many of us can fake being better, and hide our bad side from everyone else?

What triggered this little post? well ... few days ago I was in my car and I saw someone driving and smoking with the windows up, and my first thought was: "How can someone smoke in the car?" .... and then I remember that I use to do that for years ...... I guess that means I really changed in a good way ..... There's still hope.

How can we forget ...

2009-12-08T14:09:00.000-08:00

Until you get to a certain age you can't understand why children sleep so well. Or should I say, why all of us were sleeping so well ...
I remember how it felt to fall asleep few minutes after getting to bed; not having ghosts chase me around. The older I got, the pack of ghosts grew larger ....
One night, I woke up gasping for air with the strange sensation that Death itself had just passed by. Just before that, I remembered how I knew I was dying. And I was at peace with the idea ..... my connections with this world are snapping off one by one and I feel like I was going down into darkness, then suddenly I come back very fast. The entity I'm calling Death goes away through the walls leaving only one strong message in my head: "It's not your time .... yet". I am amazed at how easily and at peace I am with the situation. I accept the fact that I am dying.
But that isn't the worst dream I've had. And I am grateful that I have forgotten most of them. Sometimes in the morning, for few minutes, I still remember them and feel that they have left something deep inside me. Some wake me up in the middle of the night, others become real in the middle of the day. I've never read a book or seen a movie with such strange, fantastic or frightening dreams that I have.
I'm chased, I'm running scared, hiding, I'm hunted or tortured. In some dreams, I'm haunting places I knew once upon a time. But now they are empty, with decomposed body parts, full of rust , mold and decay. At other times, I dream myself back into happy places in my life only to wake up and realize that all these places and times are gone or don't exist anymore .... only in my memories. And somehow, that is worst than the dreams filled with monster and death and decay.
Some people with what we call a "normal" life", day dream about being in scary situations; in wars or fights, and they watch scary movies to fulfill their need. They are able to push a button at any time and turn it off. Then they can go to sleep and dream of green forests or sandy white beaches. In a heart beat, I would trade all my bad dreams for a single "boring night's sleep" if that would bring back that childhood rest I crave.
I know dreams are only in my mind. Chemicals (legal or illegal) could, temporarily, fix this. Pop a few of them for a child's sleep is very tempting. But I fear that I would turn into one of the characters of my own nightmares. I ask myself, over and over again; How can I forget? The answer is always the same: I can't ! We can't ! We just have to get use to it.

Walking On Water Wasn't Built in a Day

2009-12-03T14:38:00.000-08:00

I wish I could remember where I got the title from. I think I got it from the poet Allen Ginsberg; it would certainly apply to him. To be the best at what you do requires time, but more than that, you have to believe in what you're doing. Just think of how many people could walk on water if they really believed in what they were doing. Not just marking and spending time at their tasks but completely believing in what they do. There's no moral point to this post; its just an observation. Step out!

Suvivor's guilt part 2

2009-11-30T21:43:00.000-08:00

A wall with names engraved on .................... tombstones ................... men walking around with holes on their souls, and scares on their skin ......
What is a "Hero"? .................. Would you want your name engraved for ever in a place where people comes to pay their respect, or would you rather have a normal life ..............what is "normal" anyhow...... ?

Looking at those engraved stones, would you wish for the life of a Hero? Do you compare your normal life to those that gave theirs for a cause?

Only the living can wish to be a Hero.
Would the dead Hero wish to be alive?
Was it worth it?
Did it end anything in the larger scope of things?
Where would YOU want to be?
.........................................................

Random Happiness Series #1

2009-11-30T07:31:00.000-08:00

I was driving on the highway going home after a long day and, as usually, the traffic was really slow going South, and fast going North.

Late spring, very pleasant temperature, open windows, radio playing some slow music, my mind was going all over the place trying to stay alert in same time, when the traffic on the other direction slowed down.
As I am usually driving on the far left lane, time to time I was looking to see the "the others" going North. Bored people, listening music, talking on the cell phone, with their hands on the head, upset, frustrated .... just people, but looking at them and seeing all kinds, was just one more thing to do to kill the time.

Usually nobody is looking at me, being or pretending to be busy, ........ only for three seconds or less, a woman looked at me and smiled. She actually smiled AT me !!!!

I can't remember what car she had, or now after few years not even her face ...... I know she was a middle age blond woman, and for some unknown reasons she looked happy .
Nothing sexual here, just a beautiful smile from a beautiful woman I will never meet again, and I know absolutely nothing about. Just that unique moment made me feel good for that day, and for a while remembering it.

What happen with us??

2009-11-27T16:05:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time, I have this memory of myself being so energetic and so much wanting to save the world, at all cost. Also I remember seeing my parents and other older people being (sometimes) supportive or (most of the times) telling me that ....... is going to pass ...... like being an idealist is a disease .......
Fast forward in time, and now I see myself behaving like the "old ones" ..... I became one of them!!!
What happened? Where did I failed to follow the dreams and save the world?
Not only that I lost my wit, but I found myself taking part in conversations where I agree that enthusiasm and energy is wasted on the young, like they are a separate specie, not the "me" I am so detached now .......
Sometimes when I realize how far in time, space and ideas I am from what I once was, I can not stop myself from crying ..... I am crying like someone died .... and that someone is Me.

I am a different person, and when I manage to (think that) I can look at myself with young eyes, I have no idea who I am anymore ........
I can see all the idols of my childhood turning their back to me, shaking their heads in disappointment.

Is there a way back?
Do I want to go back?
Should I feel bad or somehow ashamed about what I have become?
Am I normal?
What is "normal"?

We were Supposed to be Heroes

2009-09-14T12:49:00.000-07:00

We are supposed to be the Hero's in our family stories. But we've lived too long; instead of stories of our gallant charge in the faces of our enemies, our children have stories of us unable to clean our butts.

We were supposed to be dead. With a memorial in a wooded glen by a quite stream. Instead they hear us snoring and grunting in the night. They should have had a model to live up to. One that get greater with every telling. But I watch my children's faces as I tell the same old stories and I know they smile inside because the old man doesn't remember that he told that story ten minutes ago.

I want to do something great at the end of my life. I want to go out in a heroic blaze; a blaze that will make everyone quite when someone starts to tell the story of me. I will probable fall asleep trying to organize my my last flare. If I'm lucky, I'll wake up tomorrow, look at my wife, children, consider all that I have accomplished (and the pure luck of it all), and be content for a little while.

But deep inside, I know We Were Supposed to be Hero's.

Big Women

2009-07-20T13:54:00.000-07:00

I now know why I like big women

I just listened to Mahalia Jackson and it wasn't so much her voice but her physical built, her body style, that caught my attention. Her voice carried me back to the laps of the women I have loved and her built reminded me of how much I loved being there. Those wide bodied hipped, full armed women were built for comfort and not for speed. (My apologies to Taj Mahal for stealing that line.) These are the breast feeders, women with enough to go around and share with the children of women who didn't have enough milk or lap.

It's my mothers body style, it's my favorite aunts', and it is my wife's (and at least three of my previous wives). Some people marry their mothers and some choose the furthest from their mother. I picked my mother.

I remember being cocooned in her body as a child. It was the closest I will ever get to feeling really safe from harm and loved.

I guess I've been searching for that feeling all my life. If I could put aside the personalities of the women I've chosen, it still works!

Nobody cares

2009-07-17T13:22:00.000-07:00

I really think what we are trying to do here is wonderful, and we, in our innocence thought that at least our friends (or the people we consider to be friends) will read our words and perhaps leave a message, what ever they will say .... good or bad, or maybe we are wrong, or to be asked questions about certain statements ..... what we got is NOTHING.

Someone has probably stumbled onto this blog and maybe read few words in the begginning, with their mind elsewhere, close down everything and next second forgot about all. Thats ashame.

I remember seeing a movie years ago about a writer who decided to write a book about his grandmother. His publisher asked him two questions: 1. Did she had a sex change operation? ... the answer was "no". 2. Ever slept with one of the presidents? When the answer at this question was "no", then the verdict was clear: Nobody cares about people like your grandmother, and nobody will buy your book.

It never crossed my mind to write something really stupid or crazy like "I am planning to kill myself at the next Christmas", to see if anyone would have any reaction. What about if that were true? A day by day blog with someone's thought and plans for suicide. If anybody read it; probably the reaction will be "Yeah ... sure .... whatever .... "

We will continue to write here just because we like to write, and not because we try to save the world, to prove how smart we are or to become famous. If any of our friends read our work, we will be happy to see a sign, a message or ...anything, but probably this will be just our private playground of words.

We Save the world and no one noticed!

2009-07-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

It's really hard saving the world.

Most Times, The world doesn't want to be saved.

But I got up this morning and saved the world.

I smiled at people, loved my wife, my children and my dream.

I made the world a place where people can go on with their living.

No one cared, no one gave me a parade, my name will was not chiseled into a wall somewhere.

But

Tomorrow

I'll save the world again.

It Was All Important When I Was Young

2009-06-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

Everything I 'thought' was important to me when I was young. Or was it that I had people who listened to me when I was young.

All the young men sat around and talked (very importantly) about the things we believed in. They listened, (I listened) and commented on our thoughts. And we grew. Now that we are older, who listens to our thoughts?

Independence Day

2009-06-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

I do not believe in God. To restate it; I don't believe that a God (capital 'G') exist. Jesus Christ is a social construct.

There, I've said it and I feel better. I feel more in line with my inner beliefs. Now all I have to deal with are all the the god references I have in my speech.

Survivor's Guilt

2009-03-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

What would you do if cornered by a group of angry people?Would you stand up with your arms wide open; posing as Jesus offering yourself to be sacrificed to make sure you have a place reserved in heaven? Would you fall to the ground crying, trying to inspire mercy and beg for your life? Or, given the opportunity, would you take a life to spare yours? Do you have the guts to thrust a sword into some one's heart? Of course a pistol will do the job in an easy way. Just pull the trigger, and blame the gun afterwords, joining the "anti gun" militant groups.What is easier, to kill or to be killed? We survived and saw our friends die.

We have both been in situations like that, and we are survivors. In that moment when we saw Death going around us we couldn't think of anything. Real life is not like what you see in the movies. In our extreme situations, we did everything in our power to stay alive. We were stripped down pass the point of what we think it meant to be "human" in peace time. No manners, no philosophical concepts, no math concepts, no school learned lesson. It was all about survival.

Looking back at our journey, we don't know why our lives were spared and others were not. What was that magical force that put us in the right place just inches away from one or more bullets which could have ended everything. Why are we alive and the others are not? We don't believe that our lives are more rich or important than that guy we saw falling with a hole in his head. Thank God or whoever is in charge up there - if anybody - for the healing power of time. After many years we are getting better, and our thoughts are not there all the time. In the beginning we asked ourselves and whoever was around to listen: "Why me?" We tried to intoxicate ourselves, to ease the pain, and put the brain to sleep, but in the end all we accomplished was just disapproving looks from other people and tons of headaches.Interestingly enough, here we are, so far apart in time and space, and so much alike. A Black man from New York and a White man who grew up in a communist country having so much in common. The political systems we grew up in taught us that the other represented, "The enemy". Yet, we ended up being friends, and sharing the same experiences, despite our differences.

We both wonder why we are still around and others are not. Our survivor's guilt is not something that can or will dissipate, or treated with pills. This pain and guilt comes from too many places and it never heals; all we can do is to learn to live with it. In the movies, survivor are portrayed as believing that he must live his life "double" to make up for the guy who is not around. Well, let me tell you: this is jut a big pile of .... myths. We do what we can to go through life as well as we can. We married, divorce, have kids, go to school, cook dinner for our family, and have a drink from time to time. Once in a while, something very small triggers the memory of that guy and his empty eyes looking at the sky he couldn't see, or, the corpse casually passed by on the side of the road.

The human race are the winners over this planet, because we are merciless, cunning, and we had the best ability to adapt and survive. And yes, this means that many times we have been killers. Kill for food, land, money, power and women, or any other advantage. We are good and efficient killing machines. Probably we shouldn't be apologetic about being what we are, but God or whoever made us, gave us the guilt and other feelings which makes everything so complicated. Interestingly, we accomplished so much with technology, but still can't understand or overcome our feelings.We survived, for unclear reasons, and we feel guilty about it. Sometimes the thought of it is stronger, and other times, we manage to put it in a corner away from our daily life. But its always there. We did not choose to be where we were at that time, and we never anticipated the events, circumstances made us a witness. What we feel we will take with us when we go to meet "the others".

My three angels.

2008-12-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but when it comes to Christmas, the first image that comes to mind is children around the Christmas tree. I see the child I use to be, children from all over the world, and especially my children

Christmas is the biggest Christian celebration; it’s the holiday when everyone should be happy and get together with family. The holiday where the innocence and purity of children allow them to experience Christmas different than the grown ups. And if the grown-ups are still open, they can experience the child’s happiness and excitement, they can witness this “Miracle of Christmas”; the touch of the angels that are always around kids

I have a wonderful memory of asking Santa Claus for a daughter; and in a year, sure enough the next Christmas I was a Father. I know I have a somewhere a picture of my daughter in my arms, (she must have been about seven months old), under the Christmas tree. I was lucky enough to be with her for two Christmases. Now, and every since I left Romania, every December 24th and 25th, we talk on the phone, I send her gifts, ..... But is not the same.

Whoever said that you don't know what you loose until you don't have it, was right.

If you are in a bad situation this Christmas due to the economy, elections, family problems, jobs or whatever else, take your time and watch yours or anybody’s children on or around Christmas day. Pay attention to children you see in the stores. Look how happy they are, witness how much joy they have in doing something silly or insignificant. Try to remember that you were the child some grown-up looked at to place themselves in a magical place. Where guardian angels were above you, keeping you safe whatever you did.

Christmas is for children, and for the kid in us. I believe everyone has a little of the kid they used to be left somewhere deep in themselves. Bring it up, be silly, be happy, and enjoy what you have. If you have children, and you are with them for this Christmas, you are really truly blessed. If you have your parents and your children around, there are few words to describe that blessing; and, if you are over forty, I can’t think of any words to describe the blessings.

While my parents are both gone in a way or another, I live a continent and an ocean away from my daughter, I will have my wife’s parents and children over for the Christmas. Her parents are in their eighties; the children are in their twenties and live out of state. I am happy to be part of this family and to get a glimpse of what I will never have of my own.

The three angels in the picture represent the family of my past and the possibility of future re-unions. During the Christmas season I always burn candles in their little trays and remember all the good things

Let's try to forget about our sore wounds, dark days, and nightmares, and to celebrate what we have and what we wish for ourselves or for friends.

Merry Christmas friends and family,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas EVERYONE

2008-12-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

Recently I met a very interesting man from whom I believe that I have learned something.
He is a African Muslim immigrant, and a while ago, just before the important Jewish and Christian holidays, he mentioned something about going home to his warm Chicago suburb apartment a little early to get ready to celebrate the holiday season. I knew he followed the Muslim faith and his remark surprised and intrigued me.
I don’t have a working knowledge of the Muslim faith, so I ask him for details. “Was he was actually going to celebrate the Christian Christmas holiday?” Yes, he was. He told me how fortunate he feels to live in this wonderful country where he has so much freedom. A country where he is able to see and learn so much from people from different cultures and backgrounds than his. Yes, he is a Muslim, but he keeps all the holidays he knows about. “Even Hanukkah?” I asked. Yes, even Hanukkah. Maybe not as well as a real Jewish person, but he is trying to do them all, and to pay respect to all beliefs.
In America especially, and Western culture generally, Muslims are seen as ‘the enemy’. I found his attitude refreshing. I am always trying to be aware of what can I learn from my different encounters. This is one of the most important learning experiences I’ve had lately.
We are approaching Christmas season where religious celebration symbols are erected in may public and private spaces. More and more we hear how people are advised to restrain those symbols, to avoid offending ‘the others‘. I believe that we have enough space on the Earth for everyone; their Gods, Goddesses and Fairies. Let's drop all the labels we put to each other and be happy, not angry; let's be joyful, not sad, and say to everyone in the world even if you are not a Christian:
“MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!!! and HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!!”

Our Children

2008-11-06T13:47:00.001-08:00

We could have entitled this posting "Divorced Men and Our Children". That would have been more to the point of this Blog. The following is a piece of free verse from Jon:

'I think the power to live we draw from our kids, or at least this is what I felt ... like an energy vampire I was looking for her hand in the night when we were asleep, or during the day when were just playing .... I was taking my power from her. Now, I feel like I have no reason to live, I feel like any breeze can put me down...'

I could have written the same piece about my four children. There was a time when I couldn't figure out what had gone wrong in my life. But I don't think many men are aware of the mental pitfalls of separating ourselves from children. Jon and I feel that unless you have had and loss the presence of a child in your life that you can’t truly understand the energy loss. Men often hurt themselves (emotionally and spiritually) because we won’t admit how much more energy it takes to get through the day. Our children become the eight hundred pound gorilla in every situation and relationship.

We are not going to engage in a ‘Real Men’ discussion; this articles put that to rest for us. We are not going to spare you by pretending that we are handling the separation well. We have not forgotten that we are not seeing them play, sleep, eat, getting hurt, smile, laugh, etc. The lesson we've learned is that there is no way of forgetting. Men, we, do not need to learn to live with the pain so that others can feel comfortable. (look up quote) ‘We are the sum of everything we have lived through.’.

I don’t know much about grief therapy, so I can’t say that it would help me ’move on’. In my gut I feel my children, they are not dead, they live and grow from/out from me. Each breath they take diminishes me because I’m not there to share it with them. Each breathe they take takes two breaths away from me because I’m not there to witness them.

Only in the presence of a true friends can we be ourselves, and drop our guard. With our wives and close friends we can cry, laugh, complain, and be who we are. Other may say they understand this, some will pretend they understand, but a man who has never had a child, and felt the touch of a pure human being, probably doesn't have a clue what we are talking about. The real father accepts his mistakes and expresses his pain and remorse, and the happiness and joy.

Vestigia Terrent - Why this name?

2008-10-04T07:52:00.000-07:00

You probably wondered why we pick this name. Well, Phil came with idea of a Latin name as he always liked Latin language, and I was for it. After a lot of searching, we decided to go with "Vestigia Terrent". The complete quote is "Quia ne vestigia terrent Omnia te adversum spectantia, nulla retrosum", and a good translation is "I am frightened at seeing all the footprints directed towards thy den, and none returning." (The author is Horace, and here you can find a link to learn more about him.) The topic is FEAR. Why fear? We are not trying to scare anybody. We are talking here mostly (but not exclusively) about our own fears from childhood until now. Fear of the older kids, teachers, army, war, women (thanks God we did OK here - both of us are happily married, and love our wifes), fear of a new job, fear of our kids forgetfulness, of disease, of getting old, and yes, fear of death.

Fear is very powerful and overcoming our fears we can succeed in almost anything we try, from school, business, to interpersonal relationships. There is no better sense of accomplishment when I win over my own blockages, because this is the only way to know ourselves better. Well ... again we get to the classics. The ancient aphorism "Gnothi Sauton" was attributed to at least six different people, but I like to believe that Socrates was the author. "Know thyself", tells so much in only two words. The thinkers say that if you know yourself, you know the whole Universe, and if you know your limits, you know the limits of your Universe.

Random Happiness Series - Introduction

2008-09-30T14:08:00.001-07:00

Random Happiness Series - Introduction Random Happiness Series - Introduction

The mysterious way humans are built, make us change many times in our lives. Democrats become Republicans, Republicans vote Democratic. We become interested in blacksmithing or airplanes for a short while or more often our mood changes just because of some little "happening".
Often we are just passing by little miracles because we are too blinded by our daily chores to see them. Sometimes we are fortunate to witness them, and more fortunate to recognize the out-of- norm act. I’ve noticed that it's very easy to become angry, sad or grumpy. It takes very little to get us in a bad mood. But when something good happens, we grab the event trying to lock it in our memory. We try to remember the feelings and aromas of that moment. I’ve noticed this, somehow, at the back of my mind. I didn’t fully acknowledge it until recently that I tried to feel happy again for some silly minor reason.

I will try to write about these events as clear as I can. I know that the whole depth and range of the feelings of what happened at a certain point in time is based upon a multitude of ‘pre-events‘; which can never be replicated again. I can share memories of nice moments. I will be trying to keep my eyes and ears open to see and hear more.

And, finally, as a advice for myself and for anyone who will listen: No matter how busy or upset you are, for so many reasons, take time and look up to the sky above. I am constantly amazed at the changing colors, and how the wind plays with the clouds. I guess as I’m getting older, I see more of the stuff I’ve been blind to when I was younger.

Introduction

2008-09-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

Vestigia terrent Omnia te adversum spectantia, nulla retrorsum - I am frightened at seeing all the footprints directed towards thy den, and none returning.

When Jon brought up the subject of creating a blog where we would explore our similar and divergent views, Phil was for it, but not sure that they would have enough material to make frequent entries interesting. An interesting aspect of the friendship that we've formed is that we both recognized that we are on parallel/staggered paths. Jon is heading into middle age and Phil is middle-aged, we have/are struggling with relationships with our children, and re-engaging in marriage and trying to give up more of ourselves to that Odyssey. We really enjoy our time away from people; even from each other!
At some point in our three year old old relationship we began to realize that an anti-communist from from communist Romania (Jon) and a Black street kid from public housing in Brooklyn (Phil) have more in common than we thought possible.
Time to time in our conversations, the subject of doing some kind of business/activity in an organized way (instead our random meetings) came up again and again. We went through all kinds of crazy or less than crazy ideas. Jon finally came to the idea about writing something together. We both like to write, we've played with words all our lives, and a writing project would really be interesting; because, despite our obvious differences we found so much in common.
We want to write without a specific agenda or subject in mind; we'll write about everything we feel and think: our memories, thoughts, hopes, dreams and ideas. We hope to find people interested in our writings and maybe someday get everything between the covers of a book.